Eating Disorders Poetry: Pray For Me

 *Warning: Poem may be triggering


Pray For Me

this isn't one of those poems about recovery
this isn't one of those poems about how beautiful I know I am
this isn't one of those poems about how I overcame the odds
this is one of those poems about how I didn't
I spent my life trying to fit into this picture
Aryan brothers and sisters standing
5 foot 6
115 pounds
beautiful
I am twenty years old and I long for the androgyny of adolescence
I wish I could will away the curves on these hips
the prominent bulges of double D tits
and pants size weighing in the double digits
I know I was meant to be "curvy"
my body was built to wield the twists and turns of a full-figure woman
and standing at 5 foot 3
weighing 173 pounds
I look every bit the plus size woman
that was meant to reside in this skin
but god
I don't want it
bless another with this body so vivacious
and give me something devoid of interest
I want flat-chested brilliance and a size two waist
I used to be beautiful, you know
a long time ago, when I gave up living
I starved myself for just a little feeling
and I guess I did it wrong
because I can never go back
I have to eat now
every bite filled with resentment as I force it past these lips
but I do it because I have to
I look at you and I pray to god that I can one day stop
stop the madness reeling inside me that prays for just a little death
just a little decay
a taste of the impossible
for these improbable lips
screaming for mercy and begging forgiveness
I want to be healthy for you
but some days it's hard to breathe
cold sweats cover these sheets as you slumber away
pretending that I'm okay
some days it bothers me how you don't seem to notice
but other days
I'm glad you can't watch me fall
it's selfish, the way I torture myself
because I know I drag you with me
but I've spent a lifetime tearing myself down
and I'm not sure I know how to stop
but for you, baby
I'm willing to try
throw myself into an empty sea
where empathy used to live
and I'll wait for my salvation
By Alana Rosen

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