Showing posts with label CED. Show all posts
Showing posts with label CED. Show all posts

What Ana Says To Me: The Lying and Degrading Voice of an ED

*WARNING: This post may be triggering.

What Ana Says To Me…

“Good morning. You are looking very fat today. Can you see those huge thunder thighs? Or how about the stomach rolls you disgusting pig- you are so worthless. You deserve to be sad and alone. Nobody would want you as a friend. Wonder why you are so unpopular? Maybe if you lost 10 pounds you would have more friends.”

“But I want friends, Ana. I want to lose weight too. I hate being so unpopular. I feel fat, ugly and alone like you say. I would be oblivious if you didn’t point it out. What would I do without you?”

“It’s breakfast time. Deviate from your meal plan. If you can’t hide any food, then only measure half a cup of cereal and milk, instead of a whole. Besides you can make it up at school by purging and throwing away some of your lunch. Remember how fat you look? If you do what I say you will feel better. You won’t have to feel anything at all. All of the pain will be gone. Once you lose all of the weight, you will not have to feel any of that depression or anxiety. Then again, it’s your entire fault that you feel that way anyway. It’s your entire fault. I am here to help you get what you want, remember?

“Yes, Ana. I will measure the way you tell me. It’s my entire fault, but why Ana? I’m glad you’re in control of me. You know how much I fear having control and responsibility. Thank you Ana. What would I do without you? I don’t know what life would be like if you weren’t here. I would be all alone and so lost.

“Look at that girl in the hallway. She’s so skinny. Oh, but look at her boobs and hips. If you ever looked like that I would abandon you and leave you to rot in the hell you live in. At least you can live in hell with me! Now, since its lunch time, go throw away half your lunch. Make sure you keep the pop so you can purge. When you purge, make it hurt. Make it burn. I want you to have sores in your mouth. I want your chest to throb in pain. I want you to pick up the vomit. Puke in your hands. You are so worthless and so low that you have to break up the chunks with your fingers, without washing your hands. You don’t deserve better. Remember though, that binging means you are impure and dirty. You haven’t binged ever yet- keep it that way or I will leave you. Oh, and heads up, I just noticed how ugly your face is. You need to do something about that. Or else I won’t be able to be seen with you."

“I don’t want to do that, but I will. I see the ugly too, and I’ve got to do something about it. I feel so bad, Ana. I feel so horrible about myself. And I don’t want to grow up. I am so scared. I am afraid of the responsibility and control over everything. Plus my body will digress from what I want it to be. I will be ashamed of my boobs and hips and menstruating. You have got to help me stop my periods, Ana. I just don’t want to feel so guilty when I have them. I abandon you when I menstruate. It’s the ultimate loss of control and the ultimate form of maturity. Please just save me from myself, Ana. Save me from all of my fears. I can’t rescue myself anymore.”

“You are so horrible. You weren’t perfect today. You must restrict on dinner. You are a fat cow. Nobody loves you, and you love nobody. You hate people because of their bodies. If they are too thin, then you are not worthy of their presence. If they are too fat and you caught hanging out with them, then you are a loser. Now be done with the lasagna. You have veggies left, and if you eat them then you are a failure. Then you will be sad and alone forever. And you know that those bad feelings are one of the things that make you the most uncomfortable. “

“Tonight you are not allowed to fall asleep. You’re stomach feels so fat- you must wait until you aren’t so bloated. Tonight you will wet the bed. Tomorrow you will wake up wet and disgusting. Everyone will know your secret and you will again be imperfect. Your parents will pity you and you will be a failure. If you wet the bed, then you will hate yourself. You are worthless and alone. Remember me when you think about eating, falling asleep, or smiling. I will never leave you, ever. I will always be with you. You will never have the freedom to make choices ever again. But then again, you fear that so it’s all good. “

This is what Ana says to me.

I am going to fight the ED and announce my fears to the world! That's what ED fears the most...!
Written by: Anonymous


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Eating Disorders And Body Image Advocates And Why They Blog


As part of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, I'd like to introduce you to some Eating Disorder and Body Image Advocates who blog. Some you may already know. Some may be new to you. Whether you are personally struggling with an eating disorder or body image issue, or love someone who is, these blogs are wonderful resources of information and support.

This is the first post in what I plan to be an ongoing feature.
They are listed in no particular order. Click the titles to visit their blogs.


Weightless with Margarita Tartakovsky MS

I blog at Weightless for many reasons. I blog because I strive to be an empowering voice of reason in our warped, weight-focused culture. So many of us struggle with poor body image, the diet mentality and disordered eating. I hope to help others improve their body images, befriend their bodies and learn to take better care of themselves. It might sound cliché or cheesy (or both :)), but I hope to spread the message that every body, shape, size and silhouette is beautiful and worthy of respect, love and care. That’s a fact!

I blog because I’d like to spread awareness and accurate information about eating disorders, helping to share other women’s stories, to show people that you are not alone and you don’t have to be ashamed. With the right tools and treatment, recovery is possible. If these individuals can do it, after suffering from anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, drinking, deep insecurities and other issues, so can you. We are all strong.


I blog because I hope to empower others to challenge the media and the thin ideal, and to help them focus on health, not weight. I also genuinely enjoy connecting with readers, bloggers, authors and health professionals, who generously and courageously share their stories, become advocates, conduct research and do great work to help others. Together we contribute our voices to an essential dialogue. Plus, I love the creativity, release and inspiration that blogging brings. I’m constantly learning, which keeps me on my toes and is really fun.


Ultimately, with Weightless, I hope to provide readers with some insight, inspiration and food for thought.


I am a woman with a story, a voice, and a commitment. I struggled with anorexia for years and now consider myself recovered. I am dedicated to helping others in the best way I know how: my writing. Writing helped me on my way to recovery and I have a sincere passion to be, at the very least, an understanding voice amid the pain of eating disorders and all that they bring.

I've never been happier, so I know that health--mental, physical, and emotional--is possible. I'm an ANAD Eating Disorder Support Group Leader in the Lehigh Valley (PA) area. I have a goal, and that goal is to share, care, and write the words that make sense. On my blog I seek to turn tears to words in an effort to heal, share, and help in the simplest of ways.

There is life beyond an Eating Disorder; I have found it. But I still know and feel the pain and suffering eating disorders carry with them. I can't forget, but I can write. Every day It is there--that terrifying It that tries to get a hold of so many others. Sometimes It succeeds, sometimes It does not. But words are tools. Turning tears to words is where it starts.


Finding Melissa

Writing an ED related blog was not something I ever anticipated, particularly as I have always been totally adverse to “telling my story”; however, after handing over more than half my life to anorexia bulimia, it was impossible to walk away without attempting to convert my experiences into something more positive.

Finding Melissa was born during a night when I thought I’d die, and realized that I needed to find a way of capturing – and then separating myself from – my eating disorder. It grew from the realization that myexperiences weren’t just mine, and that I might be able to help others through my words.

Finding Melissa is the story of losing an eating disorder and gaining an identity; and, whilst it’s contextualized in my story, it’s very much about making sense of the eating disorder experience and working through the process of re-building a life.

Eating disorders don’t just affect people on a physical level or in relation to food: the effects are often far wider. My site, therefore, explores the many different factors in play, from social to cultural, the media to growing up, body image to just being human, with the hope that by opening up a debate around these areas, people will begin to explore their own experiences and assumptions, and be able to piece together their story – and their recovery.

The interesting thing about this discussion is that many of the issues aren’t specific to eating disorders: the manifestation of eating disorders may differ, but often the feelings and contexts can be related to. This is key to helping people indirectly affected my eating disorders to understand what their loved ones may be going through; so, I’m hoping that Finding Melissa will help to improve perceptions of eating disorders, as well as helping people struggling with many of the issues that it explores.

ED Bites: Carrie Arnold

I started ED Bites over three years ago. I started the blog as a chronicle of my recovery from anorexia, and because I realized that much of what people knew about eating disorders was incomplete. Eating disorders aren't just a "control" issue, they're not about wanting to look like skinny models--they're a profound mental illness. And as I came to grasp both the "mental illness" aspect of anorexia, and its biological basis, I began to understand why it was so hard for me and others like me to break free from the stranglehold of an eating disorder.

Without this understanding, I was mired in self-blame as I tried to understand why I had gotten sick and why I couldn't seem to get better. But the more I read and researched, the more I learned to forgive myself and move forward. At ED Bites, I try to combine the latest scientific research on eating disorders with my personal experiences recovering from a long-term eating disorder.


Medusa


Horrified at the rampant rise in eating disorders and the pro-ana movement, a few years ago I began blogging about the deadly consequences of EDs, primarily through pictures which showed the stark reality of anorexia and bulimia.

Recently, I began to feature stories submitted by readers who are struggling with or recovered from EDs. I also post about celebrities, the fashion industry and magazines (especially their love of photo-shopping), and the diet industry…and how the blame for the current warped idea of the body ideal often lies squarely at their feet.

Blogging about EDs is a passion of mine, and if only one person is affected by a picture or a post on my blog which makes them think twice about purging or restricting, it will all be worthwhile.


Feed Me: Harriet Brown

I'm a journalist who's always had an interest in women's issues. And as we know, eating disorders are largely (though not entirely) women's issues. I've also always had an interest in writing about food and body image. My older daughter became ill with anorexia when she was 14, and I wound up doing a lot of research about it and writing articles about it for the New York Times and other publications. I just finished a book about anorexia, called BRAVE GIRL EATING, which will be published this fall.

I guess you could say I blog about these things because I think most people (including doctors and medical people) misunderstand the fundamental nature of eating disorders. They see them as diseases of "choice" rather than diseases of genetics and other inborn factors, and that affects the way EDs are treated. I would like to help change the way EDs are treated. Current rates of recovery are unacceptably low, and there's way too much ineffective and even harmful treatment out there. So I'm also a supporter of evidence-based treatments, of which there are very few.



Another Piece Of Cake: for women who refuse to live by numbers

I am five years in recovery from an eating disorder (ED-NOS) and my experience has opened my eyes to a new way of living. Participating in recovery from my eating disorder allowed me to pursue getting my master's degree in expressive therapies and to pursue the passions I love, like theater and writing. I currently work as a mental health clinician, and work with a range of populations including eating disorders, substance abuse and trauma.

Why do I blog? For a number of reasons. First, I believe there is a large amount of shame attached to this disease, and by sharing my story, I wish to lessen that amount and allow others to have a "me too!" moment. Second, I believe that the media bombards us with so much unhealthy information we tend to forget we do not have to think of our bodies and our esteem in a negative way. Third, I'm simply hoping to raise awareness about a disorder the general public seems to know little about. And I look forward to the journey ahead!


Happy Bodies

This project began in early 2009 when we began to talk about bodies. We wanted to talk about our own: what they look like, what they do, what we think about them. And we wanted to talk about all our bodies: health and positivity, discrimination, sexual violence, and power. We wanted a space to talk about bodies. So, here we are.


Are You Eating With Your Anorexic: Laura Collins

I blog to allow myself to respond to the world’s news and my own observations in an immediate way. I love the way I can be part of an ongoing conversation among my allies and with those with whom I do not agree. I like the way blogs link to one another and to the news and to changing thinking and ideas. I think of the blog as a place parents might find, and feel heard and less alone.


So why did I start Voice In Recovery? I started it because there were a lot of memoirs out there, there are a lot of pro-ed sites, but the voices I felt I needed and wanted to hear were those in recovery. Recovery is such a dynamic process, very different for each individual. But I didn’t seem to find those voices when I was in desperate need of help. I felt the support being given and given by myself were those struggling in their disorders and that was hard. I wanted to create a place where voices could be heard, stories could be shared, and journeys could be shown to the world. I didn't know what recovery looked like, felt like. I find many people coming to me asking about recovery – feelings the struggles are hard, that recovery includes a lot of the thought processes we had in the disorder. Am I doing enough, am I far enough on this journey, am I doing it right? I have started this journey because I believe recovery is not black and white. I believe it is hard, but hope is possible. I believe there is no right or wrong way. I believe the journey is more important than the end result. I try not to get wrapped up in the thinking that because I struggle or have a bad day – that I am not making large strides in my life. I also feel I am living an authentic life, I no longer feel torn in what I do. I have days where I question my voice – but never its honesty. I wanted to start Voice in Recovery to provide a safe place for people to share their recovery stories. To find hope, and find solace in the journey. I want to provide to others what I did not find when I went looking. If I can help just one person either find their voice, or understand that recovery is possible, and that although there are struggles – there is hope in the process.

I have made it out of a very long tunnel where I should have died more than once. I made it out struggling a lot on my own, alone, and while this is my own path – I hope to create a safer, more open environment for people to not feel alone, and find friends, support, treatments that will work for them. I use my page to focus on integration – of research, treatments, news stories, recovery stories, etc. I think there are a lot of diverse voices out there – and I hope to find a way to dispel myths, break stigmas, and show that eating disorders are diverse by nature, and recovery is as well.

In the end that is what recovery is to me. Its about living. Finding a way to live authentically, live with passion, and helping others. That is my goal in life. This is my journey. continued


I started blogging the beginning September 2009 for a graduation project. Which is basically a project you have to do your 12th grade year of high school to graduate. So immediately I knew I wanted to do something to raise awareness to eating disorders.

Every little girl wants to be beautiful and looked at like a princess, and I had just that as a child. My dad treated me like the most beautiful little girl alive and I think growing up and looking at magazines my mind slowly started thinking "I'm not the most beautiful anything. I need to work on it." Which is how I started having developing a lot of eating disorder tendencies. I would count calories, work out excursively, not eat enough food and eventually it turned into my obsession. To the point were I became a vegan just so i could restrict myself from all the very fattening foods, and I lost a lot of weight in just two months, I also lost a lot of my hair because of how how little proteins I would get in my day. Even though I was thin I was miserable, I was never happy with what I looked like if anything I had grown so much more unhappy. I was ruining my life all by myself.

I ended up losing a great friend of mine and that was my wake up call. I think it is impossible for someone who has gone through an eating disorder, depression, or
low self esteem not to advocate about it in some day and to feel this urgency to help others. Thankfully my web site is doing really well and it has become such a huge part of me.


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It Has Nothing To Do With My Weight: Kelly's Story


I was only 3 years old when I wish that I could cut the fat off my little rounded, protruding tummy. That’s the age my body image issues started. As for the eating disorder itself I do not even know. Maybe around 15 or 16 for occasional binging and if not binging, then overeating. I was maybe 20 when I started restricting.

My story is hard to tell for me. Not because of the details but because there are so many twists and turns in it. This is what I remember in great detail during my childhood; having surgery on my bladder at the age of 3 and thinking that I had done something wrong and that was my punishment, my mother’s stomach, my mother standing at the refrigerator in the middle of the night binging on cottage cheese, my thighs, again my stomach, my mother counting calories and feeling very old for my age in kindergarten. I had already gone through so much more than my classmates had. I felt alone and very scared.

When I got a little bit older I can remember; my first diet at the age of 14, how much I weighed, how my body was different than my friends, gaining weight by eating the candy bars I was suppose to sell for cheer-leading, trying to purge and breaking blood vessels in my eyes, being jealous of a previous friend who was clearly anorexic, counting my calories and feeling inadequate in all areas of my life. I was compared to my twin sister that excelled in school. School for me was a social thing and I didn’t apply myself at all. I always wonder how things would have been different if they had given me my diagnosis of ADD/ADHD in high school instead of when I was 30.

Around 19 or 20 I had broken up with a boyfriend and binged through the end of the relationship which resulted in a large weight gain. I decided to join weight watchers and was very happy that I had consistently lost weight and got down to my goal weight. Which I stayed at for about a day. I couldn’t stop right from the start. Just as an alcoholic, which I am; couldn’t put down a drink; which I couldn’t do, I also couldn’t stop losing weight. Until I got scared. Then I’d try to gain a few lbs; which I did but couldn’t stop THAT until I hit the previous high weight. I did this over and over in record speed between my 20’s and 30’s. I went from disgusted at myself for a high weight to being scared for myself because I was anorexic. I did the cycle probably about 4 times a year or so, maybe more. I couldn’t get off the roller-coaster ride.

My problem went undiagnosed, even from a doctor who asked me if it bothered me that I wasn’t getting my period. My favorite excuse to anyone, especially myself was…I’m only 5 fool 1 ½ inches tall. I could be at a very low weight and still fall in the guidelines for normal weight or slightly underweight. It didn’t matter if I wasn’t getting my period or bones were sticking out…I fell into the “healthy” weight on “the” charts. My body was never meant to be at the low end of those weight charts. I could never get low enough in weight to satisfy me.

Things started clicking for me that I had a eating disorder when my best friend’s little sister asked me bluntly, “Are you on drugs or just an anorexic?” I was shocked but her words made an impression on me. It didn’t stop me from using any behaviors…I was merely becoming aware that I had a eating disorder. I continued my up and down weight while I met my first husband. He loved it when I was in my anorexic stages and withheld love when I wasn’t looking what he considered was my best. I went through a bitter, horrible divorce when he walked out on me and literally skipped the state. It doesn’t just happen in the movies…it was happening in my own life. At the exact same time many horrible events started to unfold. Between May 1998 and May 1999, these events happened; my husband at the time walked out on me and fled the state of Minnesota leaving me unknown to his whereabouts; I lost my job; my Dad died; My truck that was repossessed; I was forced to file bankruptcy; my husband filed for divorce, my husband tried to sue me for filing bankruptcy which has never been done in the state of Minnesota, BUT that’s a whole different story in itself, and the little apartment that my mother embarrassingly had to co-sign for went up in flames, literally and I lost every piece of everything I had, which I had no renters insurance for. But considering they told me I was minutes away from possibly dying from smoke inhalation put losing all my possessions into perspective for me. Basically I had lost everything I ever had. I was so low that I didn’t know if I was going to ever get up again. I was so scared that God was putting me through all of this drama to get me ready for “something” bigger and I couldn’t handle bigger.

That was a lot to go through in a one year time span. It took me at least 2 years before I could even function in society. I was certainly a mess and I certainly used restricting and drinking alcohol as a coping mechanism, not to mention smoking 2 packs a day during this time. I liked how drinking dehydrated me and always after a night of heavy drinking with no food my pants was always loose on me and I craved that feeling. I was certainly quite the mess during this time. I was in so much pain emotionally that I don’t know how I survived. But I kept putting one foot in front of the other and with panic attacks and all, I managed to get to a place in my life where every living minute wasn’t filled with pain. It took me many years to get there.

I remember my first smile I had after a few years with no real laughter. I was driving home from work listening to Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline and when they get to the part that goes, “good times never been so good”…I smiled a REAL smile. It was a break through moment for me. Many good things happened to me during those “sad” years but I just couldn’t feel any joy. I did make some wise decisions though. I had met my NOW 2nd husband at the job I was working and KNEW there was no way that he was going to fall for me like I already had for him under these self sabotaged conditions that I had put myself into.

By the Grace of God, I quit drinking. I was also going a outpatient program which I had started going to in 1997. I started dating XXX (my husband) and I was starting my life over. I had come far in the few years and was complimented by close friends how I was a true survivor. I had grown closer on my journey with my relationship with God during “those” years and with quitting my 2 pack a day habit, now I was starting to build a foundation for myself. Sounds good but I was also purely using my eating disorder as not only a coping mechanism but it was my fun, it was what I knew and could do well, the low weight made me feel important and I got attention. Most of it was unwanted attention because I always hated how people came out of the woodwork when I was thinner. I hated hearing “wow, you look good” when I knew I was actually battling an addiction that I couldn’t control.

Rumors started at work about me which made me self conscious. I guess they weren’t rumors….when it was the truth. I WAS the girl in the license bureau who was anorexic. I wanted to be thin for me…not for anyone else and my weight would usually result in a small gain when the attention got too much. I also was scaring myself getting my weight to where I wanted it. I was, or thought I was in total control.

Between the ages of 29-34 I did my “pattern” of gaining weigh only once or twice each year and I mainly stayed at a low weight. At the age of 34 I happily got pregnant and did a shotgun wedding when I was 4 months along. I was sooo happy. I was having the baby I always wanted with the man that I so desperately wanted and needed in my life. Life was good. What a turn around from the previous 5 years. Life was what I wanted although I was anxious as hell.

While I was pregnant I was so anxious and mostly binged and overate to self medicate. I watched the scales rise once I let the nurses start weighing me for fear that something may be wrong with my daughter. I gained a very, very large amount of weight. I stopped weighing near the end so I don’t know what the actual total was but it was a lot. Then it took me approximately the 10 weeks I was off of work on maternity leave to lose it all in record time by restricting and starving myself. I had to get rid of the weight because I could not handle feeling the way I was feeling.

Once I got the weight off I relaxed a lot and for the first time ever I ate with not using eating disorder symptoms. I intuitively ate and it felt good and was very freeing. For about a whole year I was able to do this. Around xxx’s first birthday I had gained a little bit of weight and fear set in. I could NOT do another round of the up and down game. I think I may have been going through some post partum depression and quite sure that my body was giving in from going through a rough pregnancy and delivery and the starvation that followed. I started to sink again with fear of being a mother and fear of gaining weight. One thing lead to another and next thing you knew I was in Arizona going through a 30 program at XXX.

It was tough and when I came back I sincerely tried to eat. But I was angry for gaining weight, which was barely anything, and my team for refusing to tell me my weight in treatment. I had to take matter into my own hands again. I lost what I had gained plus some and then just continued to be in group and tried hard to recover. I really did want recovery by this time. I was tired of playing my never ending game. One really good thing came out of going to XXX. I started attending Eating Disorders Anonymous meetings. It was such a homey comfy feeling like I got when I went to AA meeting that I knew I had to start a meeting in Minnesota since we had NOTHING for support groups 3 or 4 years ago. My friend XXX and I started meetings at her house every Sunday night and then eventually moved the meeting to a nearby church. I got and continue to get a certain type of support from attending the meetings that I don’t get from going to professionals.

Starting EDA was one of the best things I have ever done. Now I serve as xxx of the General Service Board of EDA and continue to use service work as a means of recovery. I learned in my early days of quitting drinking that you really have to give away what you’ve got in order to keep it. At least for me it works. In fact most of the AA slogans work well for me….ones like “take what you can and leave the rest” and “it works when you work it…it really does” gives me a sense of responsibility that I have for my recovery as well as staying in my disease whether it’s a eating disorder or drinking.

Then I don’t know what happened but when my daughter was almost 3 years old I had a lot of flashbacks to when I was in the hospital when I was 3 having bladder surgery and I think I just lost it completely thinking of my own precious little daughter going through what I went through. I don’t remember much over the course of a few days but apparently, I called my therapist like 15 times in a row one night and for some odd reason he put a 72 hour hold on me. It was a total nightmare and I’m still trying to deal with all the details of it because I don’t remember and don’t really want to. But I was locked up for 10 days at xxx Hospital on the psych-ward. To boot, I was in the “side for dangerous people”. Not proud moments for me. I won’t even go into detail about it because I am still shocked at myself that I was acting that way. Of course many traumatic things happened in there but the worst in my opinion was when one of the doctors said to me about my eating disorder – “you’re not THAT thin”. Maybe the fact a doctor was talking to me so unprofessional snapped me out of “it” because I was only there a few more days after his comment.

It was horrible in every way but a very good thing came out of it. They put me on a antipsychotic medication that has changed my life drastically for the better. I doubt they would have ever put me on a antipsychotic if I wasn’t acting psychotic so it all turned out okay. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Anyways, I eventually forgave my therapist, forgave my husband, and forgave myself. I still have a hard time talking about those events those 2 weeks. I still don’t understand what happened. And I’m scared shitless that it could happen again. Part of my aftercare was to be in IOP and groups and continue to go to EDA meetings.

Shortly after I got out of the Hospital , I started to restrict during the day and then binge at in the middle of the night. Usually I don’t remember much of it, but in the morning I have the sinking feeling of “what did I do last night?” Funny, just like I did with drinking. My binging at night on top of eating a normal food plan resulted in a big weight gain for me. That was little over 2 years ago. I binged at night and restricted during the day. My eating disorder had totally morphed into something else now. I was diagnosed with Bulimia, non purging type. Now typically I have never purged in all my eating disorder years because it felt like too violent of an act on my body but I was so freaked out about weight that I did the unthinkable. I purged. I think it was the next day I went into my therapist’s office and said, “I need help”.

I was sent to an in-treatment facility for 30 days. It was extremely hard to leave my daughter and husband to get treatment but I couldn’t go on anymore. I had a very good experience while I stayed at the house. I was able to break through some barriers and close some doors as well as quitting the horrendous cycle of restricting then binging in the middle of the night. I told my mom and sisters for the first time ever about my eating disorder. Of course they still say everything wrong but I am happy I told them for my own sake. I am done hiding.

I am starting to be proud of myself and proud to be me. I have a husband who truly loves me regardless of what my weight is and fully supports me in every way imaginable. I opened up to my stepson about the eating disorder too. I’m tired of secrets and have spent the same amount of energy protecting my recovery as I did protecting my eating disorder and alcoholism. In all honesty, I still protect my alcoholism. I am not sure where I want to go with that. I don’t have a problem talking about it to others in recovery at all but outside of that I feel that is private. My Dad died of Cirrhosis of the Liver due to his alcoholism and I’d like to think that I silently ended a destructive pattern that ran in our family. That’s not based on shame but rather not wanting to bring energy to it.

Back to the in-treatment facility…that was last May through June and the recovery that I have made since then has become the final stretch. All though I am still working on things and honestly trying to lose the weight that I haven’t been able to lose the last 2 years I am the happiest I think I have ever been which is ironic that I am the heaviest that I’ve ever been. I started a blog of writing letters to my body and ED and vice versa. That is perhaps one of the best tools that I have encountered in my career of therapy/groups and treatments. Some other recovery tools that have significantly helped me have been putting my baby picture up on my bathroom mirror and every time I see my picture I say something nice to that little innocent beautiful baby. I’ve been doing that for 3 years now and it’s really made a dent into healing early childhood traumas and hurts. The last one, is trying to end the fat talk. I still go in spurts of doing this but I have been very aware of how I talk to myself and the relationship that I am trying to grow with myself. I don’t want to be mean to myself anymore. I want to love who I am which has nothing to do with weight.

Yep, 13 years of coming to the outpatient program and almost every form of therapy to be able to say that one sentence out loud. In case you didn’t hear me, it has nothing to do with my weight! I can honestly say that all though I may not LOVE myself quite yet, I don’t hate myself either. And that’s made all the difference in the world.

written by: Kelly M of Dear Body