Weighing The Facts: ENDOS

*WARNING: This post may be triggering.

What Ana Says To Me…

“Good morning. You are looking very fat today. Can you see those huge thunder thighs? Or how about the stomach rolls you disgusting pig- you are so worthless. You deserve to be sad and alone. Nobody would want you as a friend. Wonder why you are so unpopular? Maybe if you lost 10 pounds you would have more friends.”

“But I want friends, Ana. I want to lose weight too. I hate being so unpopular. I feel fat, ugly and alone like you say. I would be oblivious if you didn’t point it out. What would I do without you?”

“It’s breakfast time. Deviate from your meal plan. If you can’t hide any food, then only measure half a cup of cereal and milk, instead of a whole. Besides you can make it up at school by purging and throwing away some of your lunch. Remember how fat you look? If you do what I say you will feel better. You won’t have to feel anything at all. All of the pain will be gone. Once you lose all of the weight, you will not have to feel any of that depression or anxiety. Then again, it’s your entire fault that you feel that way anyway. It’s your entire fault. I am here to help you get what you want, remember?

“Yes, Ana. I will measure the way you tell me. It’s my entire fault, but why Ana? I’m glad you’re in control of me. You know how much I fear having control and responsibility. Thank you Ana. What would I do without you? I don’t know what life would be like if you weren’t here. I would be all alone and so lost.

“Look at that girl in the hallway. She’s so skinny. Oh, but look at her boobs and hips. If you ever looked like that I would abandon you and leave you to rot in the hell you live in. At least you can live in hell with me! Now, since its lunch time, go throw away half your lunch. Make sure you keep the pop so you can purge. When you purge, make it hurt. Make it burn. I want you to have sores in your mouth. I want your chest to throb in pain. I want you to pick up the vomit. Puke in your hands. You are so worthless and so low that you have to break up the chunks with your fingers, without washing your hands. You don’t deserve better. Remember though, that binging means you are impure and dirty. You haven’t binged ever yet- keep it that way or I will leave you. Oh, and heads up, I just noticed how ugly your face is. You need to do something about that. Or else I won’t be able to be seen with you."

“I don’t want to do that, but I will. I see the ugly too, and I’ve got to do something about it. I feel so bad, Ana. I feel so horrible about myself. And I don’t want to grow up. I am so scared. I am afraid of the responsibility and control over everything. Plus my body will digress from what I want it to be. I will be ashamed of my boobs and hips and menstruating. You have got to help me stop my periods, Ana. I just don’t want to feel so guilty when I have them. I abandon you when I menstruate. It’s the ultimate loss of control and the ultimate form of maturity. Please just save me from myself, Ana. Save me from all of my fears. I can’t rescue myself anymore.”

“You are so horrible. You weren’t perfect today. You must restrict on dinner. You are a fat cow. Nobody loves you, and you love nobody. You hate people because of their bodies. If they are too thin, then you are not worthy of their presence. If they are too fat and you caught hanging out with them, then you are a loser. Now be done with the lasagna. You have veggies left, and if you eat them then you are a failure. Then you will be sad and alone forever. And you know that those bad feelings are one of the things that make you the most uncomfortable. “

“Tonight you are not allowed to fall asleep. You’re stomach feels so fat- you must wait until you aren’t so bloated. Tonight you will wet the bed. Tomorrow you will wake up wet and disgusting. Everyone will know your secret and you will again be imperfect. Your parents will pity you and you will be a failure. If you wet the bed, then you will hate yourself. You are worthless and alone. Remember me when you think about eating, falling asleep, or smiling. I will never leave you, ever. I will always be with you. You will never have the freedom to make choices ever again. But then again, you fear that so it’s all good. “