I would love to call you names, hurl abuse, but I'll keep this clean. (im sweet like that)
Up until a few weeks ago, I thought you had only been in my life on and off.
But you are tricky, you changed forms so many times. The times I thought you were gone, you actually had a bigger hold on me. I was just pretending you weren't there, and I didn't know why I was so miserable, and I hated myself just as much.
But you, have robbed me of so many things. I hate you. My family hates you. My ex-boyfriends hate you. You are poison.
How ever many years ago now, you came to comfort me because I was sad, I thought you were helping. I thought you were teaching me to control my life, to feel better about myself.
That summer was probably the last summer I really loved being intimate with anyone. You took that from me.
When my friends want to go have fun going out, you told me I couldn't. When people told me I was talented, you told me they were lying.
When I walked into a room, you told me everyone thought I was disgusting.
When I see other girls, you told me they see me as masculine and different.
When people organise events and fun activities.. you think of excuses to get out of them.
You are the first voice I hear in the morning, and the last voice I hear at night. And I am so sick of the sound of you.
You have affected every avenue of my life and you own all of my mental real estate.
Well guess what?
I see you now.
I see you for what you are, and I am going to get rid of you. In fact I have already started. It is my main goal in life, I really don't think you stand a chance.
And I am going to tell people about you.
And I am going to get help to do get rid of you.
As much as I hate you, when I am better I'll move on from that hate, I wont be bitter, because you don't even deserve that much energy. Instead I will be happy!
And when you are gone I am going to nourish my body, and love my soul, and go out with friends, and walk around with my head held high. Every morning when I wake up I am going to be grateful that you are gone. Every night I am going to sleep sweetly knowing that you have been beaten!
And I am going to try and help other people know exactly what you are, and I want to prevent people from befriending you, and I want to make sure when I have children they never even hear you speak.
I'll be free!
Fuck yeah!
Written by: Lou Lou
Lou Lou says on her blog, Boost Forward, "I am on a path to becoming a woman enjoying wellness and I have a lot of hope."
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