What Ana Says To Me: The Lying and Degrading Voice of an ED

*WARNING: This post may be triggering.

What Ana Says To Me…

“Good morning. You are looking very fat today. Can you see those huge thunder thighs? Or how about the stomach rolls you disgusting pig- you are so worthless. You deserve to be sad and alone. Nobody would want you as a friend. Wonder why you are so unpopular? Maybe if you lost 10 pounds you would have more friends.”

“But I want friends, Ana. I want to lose weight too. I hate being so unpopular. I feel fat, ugly and alone like you say. I would be oblivious if you didn’t point it out. What would I do without you?”

“It’s breakfast time. Deviate from your meal plan. If you can’t hide any food, then only measure half a cup of cereal and milk, instead of a whole. Besides you can make it up at school by purging and throwing away some of your lunch. Remember how fat you look? If you do what I say you will feel better. You won’t have to feel anything at all. All of the pain will be gone. Once you lose all of the weight, you will not have to feel any of that depression or anxiety. Then again, it’s your entire fault that you feel that way anyway. It’s your entire fault. I am here to help you get what you want, remember?

“Yes, Ana. I will measure the way you tell me. It’s my entire fault, but why Ana? I’m glad you’re in control of me. You know how much I fear having control and responsibility. Thank you Ana. What would I do without you? I don’t know what life would be like if you weren’t here. I would be all alone and so lost.

“Look at that girl in the hallway. She’s so skinny. Oh, but look at her boobs and hips. If you ever looked like that I would abandon you and leave you to rot in the hell you live in. At least you can live in hell with me! Now, since its lunch time, go throw away half your lunch. Make sure you keep the pop so you can purge. When you purge, make it hurt. Make it burn. I want you to have sores in your mouth. I want your chest to throb in pain. I want you to pick up the vomit. Puke in your hands. You are so worthless and so low that you have to break up the chunks with your fingers, without washing your hands. You don’t deserve better. Remember though, that binging means you are impure and dirty. You haven’t binged ever yet- keep it that way or I will leave you. Oh, and heads up, I just noticed how ugly your face is. You need to do something about that. Or else I won’t be able to be seen with you."

“I don’t want to do that, but I will. I see the ugly too, and I’ve got to do something about it. I feel so bad, Ana. I feel so horrible about myself. And I don’t want to grow up. I am so scared. I am afraid of the responsibility and control over everything. Plus my body will digress from what I want it to be. I will be ashamed of my boobs and hips and menstruating. You have got to help me stop my periods, Ana. I just don’t want to feel so guilty when I have them. I abandon you when I menstruate. It’s the ultimate loss of control and the ultimate form of maturity. Please just save me from myself, Ana. Save me from all of my fears. I can’t rescue myself anymore.”

“You are so horrible. You weren’t perfect today. You must restrict on dinner. You are a fat cow. Nobody loves you, and you love nobody. You hate people because of their bodies. If they are too thin, then you are not worthy of their presence. If they are too fat and you caught hanging out with them, then you are a loser. Now be done with the lasagna. You have veggies left, and if you eat them then you are a failure. Then you will be sad and alone forever. And you know that those bad feelings are one of the things that make you the most uncomfortable. “

“Tonight you are not allowed to fall asleep. You’re stomach feels so fat- you must wait until you aren’t so bloated. Tonight you will wet the bed. Tomorrow you will wake up wet and disgusting. Everyone will know your secret and you will again be imperfect. Your parents will pity you and you will be a failure. If you wet the bed, then you will hate yourself. You are worthless and alone. Remember me when you think about eating, falling asleep, or smiling. I will never leave you, ever. I will always be with you. You will never have the freedom to make choices ever again. But then again, you fear that so it’s all good. “

This is what Ana says to me.

I am going to fight the ED and announce my fears to the world! That's what ED fears the most...!
Written by: Anonymous

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Let's Talk About Eating Disorders: Break The Silence

It's Time To Talk About It

...is what this year's National Eating Disorders Awareness Week is all about.

Secrecy plays a major roll for most with an eating disorder and hinders recovery. Whether you're an ED advocate who openly speaks about your eating disorder, or someone who has never spoken about it before, I'd like to invite you to share your experience on Weighing The Facts.

I'm looking for your stories and poems about your personal experience with EDs.

Topics can be about (but are not limited to):

• the role secrecy has played in your eating disorder
• how talking about it has affected your ED and recovery
• your story
• your journey

It can be about whatever is most important to you.

If you'd like to participate and be featured here during this year's National Eating Disorders Awareness Week (February 21st-27th) please email your submissions to MrsMenopausal@yahoo.com.
Please specify if you'd like to remain anonymous or have your name (or alias) included.

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A Letter To My ED: I See You For What You Are

I would love to call you names, hurl abuse, but I'll keep this clean. (im sweet like that)
Up until a few weeks ago, I thought you had only been in my life on and off.
But you are tricky, you changed forms so many times. The times I thought you were gone, you actually had a bigger hold on me. I was just pretending you weren't there, and I didn't know why I was so miserable, and I hated myself just as much.
But you, have robbed me of so many things. I hate you. My family hates you. My ex-boyfriends hate you. You are poison.
How ever many years ago now, you came to comfort me because I was sad, I thought you were helping. I thought you were teaching me to control my life, to feel better about myself.

That summer was probably the last summer I really loved being intimate with anyone. You took that from me.
When my friends want to go have fun going out, you told me I couldn't. When people told me I was talented, you told me they were lying.
When I walked into a room, you told me everyone thought I was disgusting.
When I see other girls, you told me they see me as masculine and different.
When people organise events and fun activities.. you think of excuses to get out of them.
You are the first voice I hear in the morning, and the last voice I hear at night. And I am so sick of the sound of you.
You have affected every avenue of my life and you own all of my mental real estate.
Well guess what?
I see you now.
I see you for what you are, and I am going to get rid of you. In fact I have already started. It is my main goal in life, I really don't think you stand a chance.
And I am going to tell people about you.
And I am going to get help to do get rid of you.
As much as I hate you, when I am better I'll move on from that hate, I wont be bitter, because you don't even deserve that much energy. Instead I will be happy!
And when you are gone I am going to nourish my body, and love my soul, and go out with friends, and walk around with my head held high. Every morning when I wake up I am going to be grateful that you are gone. Every night I am going to sleep sweetly knowing that you have been beaten!
And I am going to try and help other people know exactly what you are, and I want to prevent people from befriending you, and I want to make sure when I have children they never even hear you speak.
I'll be free!
Fuck yeah!

Written by: Lou Lou
Lou Lou says on her blog, Boost Forward, "I am on a path to becoming a woman enjoying wellness and I have a lot of hope."

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Shame and Eating Disorders: Would You Like To Share Your Experience?

Based on the recent poll, My Eating Disorder: One Word At A Time, one of the highest ranking choices was the word "Shame."

In hopes of helping others to understand and/or relate, Weighing The Facts is looking for your experience with shame and it's connection to your eating disorder. Submissions that are received will be included in an upcoming post. All submissions will be anonymous, listing only your gender and your age. You may include your first (or a fictitious) name if you so choose.

It can be whatever you need for it to be; one word, one or several paragraphs, or a poem. It is totally up to you.

If you are interested in sharing your experience and having it posted here, please email me at MrsMenopausal@yahoo.com.

Thank you.

Poll results can be found here.

Writings on the shame and eating disorders can be found here.

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