Eating Disorders: Monster In My Head

As if one day I could wake up and live normal again. Live without this monster that infiltrates my mind 24/7. Every action I make is around this monster. Every plan, meal, thought has this monster in it. From the time I wake up in the morning to the time my head hits my pillow at night, this monster poisons my thoughts. Somehow he has made this cozy home in my mind, no one can explain it, and I cannot control it. But my mind has convinced me it is the only thing I can control in my mind, so when I start to freak out or lose control of everything, I always run back to this monster. He is called an eating disorder. It’s the nasty little monster that sticks like glue. 

Most eating disorders come as a pair or morph into one another. As for me, I met my first monster in 2008. Anorexia nervosa. He is the reason I lost 65 pounds in two months, the reason I developed horrible eating habits and became depressed and one of the reasons why my friends worried constantly about me. It didn’t just put a strain on my life but theirs also. I spent hours at my boyfriend’s sleeping because I was too tired and anemic to be awake and he spend his time trying to force feed me because he didn’t understand. My friends started talking about me behind my back and I wanted nothing to do with them. I felt alone, just me and my monster. It became my best friend. 

I reached my lowest weight of 108 pounds which is small for a tall girl like me. That’s when I admitted to myself that I needed to get help. I just wasn’t happy that I had no control of my life anymore. Telling my family wasn’t easy, but what made it worse was they didn’t believe me. I wasn’t home much and when I was, they thought I was losing the weight by eating healthy and working out. WRONG. After I talked to a couple people and made some changes, things got better you could say. It still seemed like every little pound I gained, my mind lost control. I developed Body Dimorphic Disorder. Something to this day I am never convinced will go away. It’s the monster that tells me I am fat, ugly, out of shape, unattractive, etc. I hate it the most; it is what triggers the rest.

Shortly after I started to binge eat. I “didn’t care” anymore and ate everything in sight. I still do and it is so hard to control. Eating this way can pack pounds quick, which triggered one more monster in my head. Over time my friend who is a student in psych noticed the amount and routine of my workout schedule. I had for sure developed exercise bulimia. This is the part of my brain that justifies binge eating because I can work off anything right? WRONG. 

Now since I have had no help I fall back into all of this in 2010. It’s not easy, and my life is so far from perfect. But I love God and I know he put this challenge in my life for a reason.  So one day, I will get over it. It may be hard now, and I may want to just cry myself to sleep because no one but me understands what goes through my head every day. But this will not defeat me. God doesn’t give people challenges they cannot handle. So let this be a learning experience by reading my life story. Don’t give up. Mark 5:36; Don’t be afraid, just believe.

By: Carolyn King

*You can find more Eating Disorders Writings and Poetry by Readers in the sidebar menu

*Be featured on Weighing The Facts. Share your Eating Disorder Poetry and Writings here

picture source:


Lisa said...

....everyone's stories are so similar yet so incredibly different. it's so comforting to read more...


MrsMenopausal said...

I know exactly what you mean and I agree. Common threads. Though the stories may be different there is that underlying connection that speaks to us and is so easy to relate to.
Thank you for commenting, Lisa!

Anonymous said...

Carolyn King is my best friend and I couldn't love her more than I did the first time that I read this blog. Her strength and constant search for life is overwhelming and it touches me everyday knowing that I have a best friend who will not back down when staring a monster right in the face. Her strength gives me strength, constanly. I haven't ever had an eating disorder and I cannot imagine the weight that is on someones sholders who has one, but I love every single person who is facing their eating disorder head on and continues to try and recover, your srength and vunlerability is so beautiful, please never give up because people love you and are always on your team to get better.

I will forever love my best friend for everything that she is, and I will always see her beauty (beacause it towers over so many people that I have met) even on the days where she refuses to aknowledge she's gorgeous because I know that she would do the same for me. I love her always

Amber K.

MrsMenopausal said...

Anonymous, what a lovely testament to your and Carolyn's friendship. Thank you so much for sharing it.

Danielle said...

This story is so beautiful.. thanks for sharing. everyone goes through struggles but they eventually get through them and come out a stronger person.

MrsMenopausal said...

I agree, Danielle. What we survive and overcome makes us stronger. Thank you for taking the time to comment!