Relapse: An Eating Disorders Poem

Relapse

I drove you away. You’ve returned to define my body, my soul;

anywhere I go you follow, burrowed deep within a pocket of my genes.

Stop pretending to be my friend, I am your captive, helplessly watching

you force me to be lite as I am surrounded by darkness.

Trapped in this self-imposed desert of malnutrition

I return to the god damn scale; my hands shaking,

hair falling out, heart wanting to give way.

What have you done? Why must you strike again?

The doctors say I need more: calories, rest, peace.

Doctors are not what I need, with their facts and figures:

I know the equation, I’ve seen the answer.

I don’t want the fancy treatments,

just someone (other than you) to hold my hand.

By: Genevieve Morrow


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In Case: Eating Disorders Poetry

In case nobody’s told you, and in case you haven’t heard.
I’m trapped inside this limbo, teetering on the verge.
In case I get too scared, and in case I lose all nerve.
In case I lose myself trying to erase all of my curves.

In case one day I vanish, disappear into the air.
In case the day arrives as if I was never there.
In case one day this plan works, and no longer can you see.
In case one day I finish in erasing all of me.

In case I cannot beat this, and this letter’s all you find.
In case one day ed wins in taking hold of heart and mind.
In case one day I cannot fight, for the war is far too great.
In case I can no longer hide from this, my hopeless fate

And when the day “in cases” come and I am ash upon the wind.
The eulogy they speak for me won’t talk of fat or thin.
Now the rhythmic words in which I write may read like fairy tales.
But know I gave both life and limb for the numbers on a scale

By  Erin M. Akers


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Girl Standing In Front Of The Mirror: Eating Disorder Poetry

*warning: poem may be triggering

Girl Standing in Front of the Mirror

Collarbones jutted out,
Every rib defined against the starving flesh
Eyes hollow, bloodshot
Wrists cocked, trying to defy the laws of nature,
To put her fingers around her waist
Hipbones sharp as a raven’s beak
Legs thin as twigs, ready to snap
Her arms never small enough
Her cheekbones never prominent enough
Girl standing in front of the mirror,
Inching her hollow eyes over ever flaw, every imperfection
No matter the countless gags, the starvation, the exercise,
She is never perfect
Girl standing in front of the mirror,
Her hollow eyes tell it all:
Insecurity, Distortion, Desperation
Girl standing in front of the mirror,
Slowly dying in her perception of beauty and perfection

Written by: SC

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Share Your Eating Disorders & Body Image Poetry & Writings

Would you like to feature your eating disorder and/or body image poetry or writings on Weighing The Facts? 

Writing is a very powerful tool for many with Eating Disorders and an excellent way for others to relate and be inspired. Do you have a poem(s) and/or writing(s) about your struggles, experiences, or recovery with your Eating Disorder and/or Body Image that you'd like to share with others? Weighing The Facts would like to feature your writing here so that others can relate, find support, and encouragement towards recovery.

Participation may be anonymous or credited, whichever you feel comfortable with. Poems/writings must be your own work. If you're interested in participating please contact me at Mrsmenopausal@yahoo.com.

Thank you.
Mrs. M
 

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Dearest Body; I Promise To Keep Mending The Damage I've Done.

Dearest Body,

O boy have we been through a lot;
That today you deserve to be put on the spot.
Like a machine you relentlessly work and you work,
That I owe you this Ode to My Body as a sense of artwork!
So here’s to the gift of my hard working body,
Without you I’d be plainly, literally, and completely a nobody!

Here’s to the gift of my long, strawberry blonde hair
People tell me they want it, that it’s beauty so rare!
I remember when I was little I would take every curl
I’d wrap them around my fingers and I’d twirl and I’d twirl.
Later I’d style you for dance and for cheer
But inside my self-confidence was so insincere.
I caused you to come out in bunches in my brush
The reality of losing you was a detrimental crush!
I promise to keep mending the damage I’ve done!

Here’s to the gift of my head and my neck
My feeding and eating habits made you completely a wreck.
You give me a place to hang my cross
It is my constant and without it I’d be at a loss!
Inside is my brain with thoughts so, so clear
I could solve any problem without uncertainty and fear,
But I starved you of the nutrients and vitamins you desperately need
I could not even think, I must concede.
I promise to keep mending the damage I’ve done!

Here’s to the gift of my big, bright blue eyes
People always said you had it in you to mesmerize.
You introduced me to Harry Potter, Disney, and Twilight,
You would see something and my imagination would ignite.
Starving myself caused clear vision to severely decline,
You lost your sparkle and twinkle and ability to shine.
But I’ll care for you now, I need you for life
So I can look into my husband’s eyes the day I become his wife.
I promise to keep mending the damage I’ve done!

Here’s to the gift of my little button nose
From my mom’s scent, to the smell of sunscreen, Hawaii, and Disneyland I propose
You allow me to enjoy all the different, unique smells
They are varied and wonderful and I’m easily compelled
To thank the Lord I’ve chosen to live
And I hope that you’ll find a way to forgive
All the mistakes I foolishly made
Trying to be a part of a fake, false masquerade.
I promise to keep mending the damage I’ve done!

Here’s to the gift of my wiggly, little ears
You help me to hear so very loud and clear.
You let me hear the sweet sound of my mom’s embracing voice,
And the heavenly songs in my church to rejoice.
You capture the powerful sounds of Phantom, Wicked, and more,
You let me hear the cries, cheers, raindrops, ocean, and all sounds galore,
And when I found I needed a new way to cope
You help me to listen to my counselors who gave me new hope.
I promise to keep mending the damage I’ve done!

Here’s to the gift of my mouth and my tongue
You have both taken care of me since I was very young.
As a child I simply saw food, and naturally ate,
Food caused me no fear, it was not something to hate.
You allow me to smile, laugh, and kiss,
But limiting food intake caused the joy to be missed.
So now I’m determined to savor and to eat
All the foods that you love from spaghetti to even a treat.
I promise to keep mending the damage I’ve done!

Here’s to the gift of my very straight teeth,
And the gums that are found right there underneath.
I made you crooked when I sucked both my thumbs,
But we got through years of surgeries and braces, we both thought we’d never overcome.
People always tell me they like my sweet smile
Like it’s a part of my very own special style.
Yet I caused you to whither till you bled and felt pain,
Malnutrition was the cause which I could not contain.
I promise to keep mending the damage I’ve done!

Here’s to the gift of my strong, dancer’s arms,
When dancing they made my movements full of charm.
You allow me to cheer and take in a warm hug,
Family and friends made me feel nice and strong.
But lack of nutrition caused you to become weak,
And my hopes for happiness became extremely bleak.
You need energy to dance, swim, and shop
To keep my strong hugs coming and to never, ever stop.
I promise to keep mending the damage I’ve done!

Here’s to the gift of my two, pretty hands
You allow me to stick to all of my plans,
To stay very safe when crossing the street,
When shopping with mom or to go trick-or-treat.
My mom and dad would tightly hold on and protect me from harm,
Hand-in-hand, there was never any need for alarm.
I thank you for holding on in dance, church, and on rides at Disneyland;
I always knew safety would be close at hand.
I promise to keep mending the damage I’ve done!

Here’s to the gift of my long, lady fingers
You allow me to text and answer my phone’s funny ringer.
You help me to drive and tie my shoes,
And to help on vacations while my dad barbeques.
But by restricting my food I made you cramp and shake,
My knuckles would throb, tingle, and ache.
But that’s all different now, I have something to declare,
I promise to take care of you, on that I pinky swear.
I promise to keep mending the damage I’ve done!

Here’s to the gift of my twenty strong nails,
You make me feel pretty like a young female.
You’ve been pink, you’ve been blue, and occasionally even black,
Glitter and designs are what I see when I often flashback.
But lack of calories made you brittle and dry,
You’d crack and you’d bleed and I’d cry and I’d cry.
Feeding you now has helped me to fix
All the problems you had, I know I must not restrict.
I promise to keep mending the damage I’ve done!

Here’s to the gift of my constant beating heart,
Without you healthy my whole life would completely fall apart.
You keep my blood moving, you help me to breathe air,
If you don’t have health, I don’t even have a prayer.
By limiting my food, you worked harder than you should
It finally took passing out till I really understood.
But I realize now and promise to care
For with the health of my heart, my love I can easily share.
I promise to keep mending the damage I’ve done!

Here’s to the gift of my life-giving blood,
You help me each day as you constantly flood
My body with oxygen and nutrients and more
That kept me healthy and helped me soar,
But I weakened my body and made your job hard
That even my liver became fatally scarred.
In the hospital they took you by gallons it seemed
Until the tests came out better and made home not such a dream.
I promise to keep mending the damage I’ve done!

Here’s to the gift of my stomach so tough,
You’d talk and you’d talk when I didn’t eat enough.
I tried not to listen, and push you out of my head,
And allow the negative thoughts quickly to spread.
Now you have shrunk, and it’s harder to eat,
but I’m committed to prove this disorder I can beat.
I’m realizing now, I can eat without fear,
And not worry that people will see you and wrongly jeer.
I promise to keep mending the damage I’ve done!

Here’s to the gift of my ever-repairing liver,
The damage I did to you makes me quiver and shiver.
You balance my body and filter my blood,
When I think of how I hurt you my tears begin to flood
By starving myself, my body consumed you,
Saving my life meant taking a complete new avenue.
By refeeding right now, my enzyme count quickly drops,
Saving you saves my life, and I know this wont stop.
I promise to keep mending the damage I’ve done!

Here’s to the gift of my two tiny kidneys,
You filter my blood so I’m not ill at ease.
Keeping you healthy keeps me in the game,
But the way I did treat you fills me with shame.
Without the correct calories you worked overtime;
Recovery was a mountain I knew I’d must climb,
But I’m committed to eat well and do what I must,
I need you to know, in me you can trust.
I promise to keep mending the damage I’ve done!

Here’s to the gift of two strong, dancer’s legs and feet,
You made it possible to dance to every beat.
You walked me to school day in and day out,
Tired and sore while my muscles would shout.
You help me to get back on the grand stage for each dance,
For each graceful pliae and every awe inspiring stance.
Until my lack of food caused you to collapse,
I knew it was time to do much more than just pray, perhaps.
I promise to keep mending the damage I’ve done!

Here’s to the gift of my numerous muscles and joints,
I’d like to get quickly right to the point.
You help me to move and get me to where I need to go;
You help me to travel to and fro.
I did not feed you with all that you need;
You lost out on all complete accuracy and speed.
But I promise to stick to the food plan I’ve made;
I know you are strong, and I’ll get repaid.
I promise to keep mending the damage I’ve done!

Here’s to the gift of my two hundred, six bones,
You have helped me to stand tall as I have grown;
You give me my posture and define my shape;
You allow my clothes to properly drape.
I foolishly deprived you of the calcium you need,
I sure did put my life in danger, this is surely indeed.
I’m feeding you now, I’m well on my way,
Osteoporosis will never be a part of my day.­
I promise to keep mending the damage I’ve done!

Here’s to the gift of my strong, resilient skin,
You hold extreme softness and toughness within.
You’re the home to every blessed angel kiss,
And the keeper of my tattoo that brings me extreme bliss.
In the hospital you got poked hour by hour,
And held the painful I.V. that made me cower.
The goosebumps that came on a body like mine,
Should have been seen as a warning sign.
I promise to keep mending the damage I’ve done!

So thank you again for never giving up
For working so hard, performing and never about to ever erupt.
You have stayed with me no matter my thoughtlessness to you
You have continued to function as I daily get a clue.
I love you, I’ll care for you, I’ll continue refeeding;
With every success we will make, we are one step closer to defeating
this deadly disorder and sick way of mind,
one day, I know it’s close, we will definitely put behind!

Love,
Me

Written by: Emily Woodhouse

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Eating Disorder Poetry: TRAPPED

Trapped

My body is trapped in this mind

I try to break free, with fragile arms

No match for the burden of

This madness, sadness

That is heavy

So

Heavy

My mind is trapped in this body

Stagnant thoughts long to break out

To be strong, to step off this painful record

that just won’t

Stop

Spinning

My song is trapped in this mind

Why now does it just sound

Like noise, static. It screeches,

Incessantly, urgently. Where is

My

Voice?

My love is trapped in this body

Somewhere, hiding, beneath this

Cold, callous shell. Oh, it’s real –

Delicate, vulnerable, and trapped

So

Trapped.

Written by: Bethany

of U of I Free People

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Snow: The Value Of Listening To Your Heart

Snow
The value of listening to your heart.... ...rather than an eating disordered head.

If I hadn’t ignored my head then I wouldn’t have seen the snow, shimmering and sparkling in the early morning sunlight.

And if I had, as it commanded, stuck to the weekly regime and gone swimming; then I would have missed being the first to walk through the unmarked snowfall, spraying glitter in my wake and leaving a dance of footprints behind me.

If I had given in to the demand to justify and earn every mouthful, then I would have been lapping up and down an empty pool while the sun was working its magic over the snowswept fields; and, against the diamond white backdrop, the colours and shadows became breathtaking.

And, if I had listened to my often overpowering head – rather than my often overpowered heart; then I might not have noticed how beautiful the world can be, and how much fun there is in the smallest pleasures –

Like a twirling whirling flake of snow.

Written by: Finding Melissa

She says: "An eating disorder is a gradual erosion. It’s a chip chip chipping away. A slow, insidious takeover that removes all traces of an individual, erases all suggestion of an identity, dominates thoughts, actions, feelings….and articulates one devastating message: 'without me, you are nothing'…..It is a lie. You’ve just got a bit lost along the way.

Be sure to visit Melissa's wonderful site: Finding Melissa

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The Vortex: ED Poetry and Writings

The Vortex

The delicious hunger
fills me up with hollowness
and pleasurable pangs,
confusion centers my mind and
dizziness gives me strength.
Eat my feast of salad and
daintily slam a gallon of water,
oops to much, better pay homage
to my god and sacrifice my meal.
So weak after my offering,
I had better run a mile.
Aching knees tell me
that I'm winning this game.
Up all night pacing with
wild thoughts and jitters
sleep is for the weak.
Throat so raw I can
hardly speak, silence
is my ally and works
better than the lies.

by: Tara Lundberg

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Invasion Of The Body Snatchers: ED Poems And Writings

Invasion of the Body Snatchers

Please ignore the aliens

They are taking over my brain

Impulses come and Impulses go

Hoping that my soul will still remain.

My soul is slowly dying

Remembering my past

The life and love I hold within

If only they would last.

The aliens within

Strip me of my Hope,

My Smile, My Strength, My Determination

I forget the tools to cope.

I know that I am worth the fight

I don’t like to admit

I can not do this on my own

As I reach up from this pit.

This pit of isolation

Desperation and Despair

I want to find my inner strength

To grow and become aware.

Aware of possibilities,

A life where I am free

Free to Learn, Love and Live

A life where I can see.

My truth that comes from within

I can see my outer strength

Strength to reach out, for your support

I will go to any length.

You are stronger, than this monster

That works to control my brain

With your hand, support and truth,

My soul will still remain.

By: Mary Pat Nally

http://angeloflight08.wordpress.com/

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A Letter To My Body: ED Poetry And Writings

A Letter To My Body

Dear Body,

I can find nothing about you

to celebrate
besides my children
and it hurts.
Your betrayal haunts me,
and all of the rage that I feel
is taken out on you.
My silent hunger screams
inside of your skin,
but no matter how empty,
the heavy weight of you
will not let go.
You only remind me to feel ashamed.
Touched and taken with such hate
that I find it hard to love you,
and for that, I am truly sorry.
You have nothing to apologize for.
You should not have to ask
for permission to exist.
I'm still learning to let you
take up the space that you deserve.
The fullness and discomfort that I feel
makes me want to crawl out from under you,
but I will try to stay until...
you become a part of me.

By: Angela Minard

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Read more about Angela Minard: Conversations With Claudia, The Voice Of An Eating Disorder

Be sure to visit Angela Minard's blog: Here and Now ~*~ 4 Angel "Poetry and thoughts on my journey toward healing and unlocking the silence within. Words are magic. Words have the power to heal, so find your voice, and fly!"


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Other Voices: Eating Disorders and Body Image

"Food is nourishment. This is an obvious fact. But eating disorders aren’t about nourishment, at least not nourishment for the body. If you have an eating disorder you eat too much or too little or of types of food that provide little or no physical sustenance..."
Read in full: Eating Disorder Recovery And Nourishing Your Right Hemisphere:
By Joanna Poppink, MFT

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"This may be the most difficult task of all: keeping your eating disorder at bay. Even when you’re doing well, it always seems to be there lurking, doesn’t it? ..."

Read in full: Keeping It At Bay: by Arielle Becker

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"This Mask I Wear"

"Only revealed in shadowwith steady gaze
the bare reflection
guarded
flesh
pale and colorless ..."

Read in Full: This Mask I Wear: By Angela Minard

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"HB 1432 will strengthen the Illinois mental health insurance parity law by providing fair and equal insurance coverage for those suffering from anorexia nervosa and bulimia..."

Read in full: Illinois House Bill 1432 To Provide Fair and Equal Coverage For Eating Disorders: By OhYeahBabe

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Information on Very Low Calorie DietsRead in full:Research on Very Low Calorie Diet (VLCD) Risks: By A Pinch Of Health

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Age 22 "I've always had the puppy fat, and it didn't bother me until, when I was about 9, my body became a target of bullying. So I started hating myself. My mum kept telling me it was puppy fat and it would go, but it didn't. I was teased. I was called ugly. Kids jeered at me from across the playground. I hated myself..."Read in full: The Body Image Project


Sources:
http://stopeatingdisorders.com/eating-disorder-recovery-and-nourishing-your-right-hemisphere
http://www.lookinggood-feelinggreat.co.uk/LatestNewsnbsp/Anorexia-increasingly-affecting-older-women-/tabid/54/articleID/18589448/Default.aspx
http://tearstowords.blogspot.com/2008/04/keeping-it-at-bay.html
http://hereandnow4angel.blogspot.com/2008/05/this-mask-i-wear.html
http://kimorexia.blogspot.com/2008/05/illinois-house-bill-1432-to-provide.html
http://www.apinchofhealth.com/resources/lowcarb/VLCD-Research.html
http://thebodyimageproject.blogspot.com/
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